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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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But then, I get a bit lost. I’m wanderin’ around, tryin’ to find my way back. I end up on Kazybek Bi Street. It’s kinda quiet, and I’m thinkin’, “Where the heck am I?” I pull out my phone, but of course, no signal. Classic! I’m just about to panic when I see this old lady. She’s sellin’ homemade jams. I’m like, “Lady, help me out!” She laughs and points me in the right direction. I buy a jar of her jam, ‘cause why not? It’s like a little piece of Zharkent to take home.

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